Be Sincerely Interested to Create Effective Communications

Good morning, Live Better than a Billionaire-a-Holics!

Are you feeling motivated this morning? I certainly hope so.

Communications came up twice recently, and I thought that you would be interested in my observations. The first time was when Art Kleiner, the new editor of Strategy+Business, asked me to write an article about leadership from a personal, rather than a business research, perspective. Not being quite sure what he had in mind, I thought back to leaders who had had a large impact on me. In each instance, the leader had demonstrated interest in me and my ideas that went beyond trying to accomplish something that the leader was trying to do.

The strongest memory I have is of Pete Scotese, then CEO of Springs Industries, as we waited together to give our presentations to the executive team at Automatic Data Processing. I knew of Pete from having done a competitive analysis of his company's frozen vegetable business for another client, but we had never met. I began asking him about his decisions about frozen vegetables, and he quickly responded by wanting to know more about my strategic ideas. He turned his body to me and paid attention to what I had to say with every fiber of his mind and body. I felt like a spotlight was shining on me. To get a sense of how intense this was, this conversation occurred in 1978 . . . and that's a long time ago.

The conversation I remember the second most was with Al Sacks, then dean of Harvard Law School, my consulting client while I was in law school. Al and I lived near one another. Since we often worked and talked late into the evening, he would offer me a ride home in his old Checker. Otherwise, I would have to walk to Harvard Square and wait for a trackless trolley. One night, he asked me where I wanted to be in five years. It was a stumper, because the last written goal I had was to graduate from Harvard Law School . . . which I was about to do. I keep asking myself Al's question . . . and think of him fondly when I do. This was in 1971 . . . so I've carried his question with me for a long time.

The second time that communications came up was in a teleseminar conversation on July 25th between Jack Canfield and Marcia Martin.

They talked about how charisma helps success. I normally think of charisma as an overused word that best applies in describing Jesus. But the definition that Jack Canfield and Marcia Martin used was one that I think can apply to each of us: "In touch with your heart and spirit and speaking authentically from the heart." Their advice was to forget communications techniques that are taught in most seminars and instead practice being authentic. By doing that you will create an aura of "light and trust". As they said those words, I immediately thought of Pete Scotese and Al Sacks. Jack Canfield and Marcia Martin had captured the essence of both those communications.

Jack Canfield went on to note that our authentic selves are very wonderful, but we try to hide that personal aspect. "We are each a radiant diamond . . . but cover ourselves with manure and nail polish."

Marcia Martin had some excellent suggestions for creating the possibility of good communication. Her main point was that both the speaker and the listener have to be focused on the present . . . and not stuck in their minds thinking about something else. For example, if you see that someone is distracted, ask them if something is bothering them. Thank them for sharing whatever they tell you and ask them how you can help them focus on the communication. You may also find that meditation before you begin the conversation (or the emotion releasing of the Sedona Method) may help.

Good listening helps. Be interested in the person. Receive their thoughts totally in a nonjudgmental way. Keep focusing on what they are saying. Don't think about what you are going to say. Since it's so rare that any of us meet someone who really wants to receive what we have to say, something wonderful will begin to happen as you receive those thoughts.

That observation reminded me of a leader I met through alumni activities at Harvard, Tag Whipple. Whenever someone was speaking, he paid rapt attention to every word. His listening was so intense that I often found myself watching him listen rather than whoever was speaking. It was eloquent silence.

In a group (such as a newly formed team), Marcia Martin had some good suggestions that I have used often with success as well. First, have everyone become acquainted with one another by sharing your backgrounds, especially from childhood. Most people don't bother, and they misjudge one another for the next twenty years. It also builds trust and understanding. Next, work with the group to select and embrace a purpose that everyone finds inspiring. Ask each person to publicly declare their commitment by describing why that purpose is important to the group and to them personally. Set up mutually acceptable rules for how you will work together and empower the group to enforce those rules. Finally, use language that will strengthen commitments. Stay positive. Use requests to elicit promises. State what you will do very carefully, so you will be able to deliver. Keep your promises. Alert everyone when you cannot keep a promise and renegotiate a new promise that you can keep. That last is important. I have interviewed many CEOs about the qualities look for in those they promote. Most have told me they are looking for people who provide lots of advance warning of problems that may cause them not to keep their promises . . . while doing whatever is possible to overcome the problems.

Obviously, these same points can work with your family, your relative, your neighbors and friends.

I suggest that you start out by practicing on having one authentic conversation a day. Pick the person with whom it's the easiest for you to listen with a nonjudgmental attitude. Tell them what you are doing, and ask them for feedback when they feel you aren't being authentic and present with them. After you have done this for 60 days, start having authentic conversations with two people a day. Eventually work up to having authentic conversations with people you don't find it easy to talk to for whatever reason.

Let me know how this works out, and I will share your experiences in a future blog entry.

If you have suggestions that are better than these ideas, please make a comment or e-mail me and I will include you suggestions in an edited version of this blog entry.

I hope you can tell that I'm sincere in wanting to help you by sharing the best of what I've learned and listening to your good ideas to learn even more.

Tomorrow, I'll describe how you can enjoy whale and dolphin watching around the world and see sights that few billionaires have enjoyed. I will describe my most recent whale watch in which I had some of my most unique experiences.

On Friday, I'll update you on my thoughts about the first week's worth of public practices by the Patriots. In doing this, you'll find out what the busy billionaires are missing as they cosset their money . . . rather than enjoy life! I'll also reflect on the lessons of Bill Belichick's remarkable coaching for how to live better than a billionaire on five dollars extra a day.

On Saturday, I'll share my expanded thoughts on what freedom means and how you can enjoy it responsibly . . . and better than a billionaire.

Sunday, I'll reflect of how to keep your spiritual values strong even in places where God isn't as apparent as He usually is. I will be in the Las Vegas area for a meeting, and this environment should provide plenty of inspiration for this blog entry.

Monday, I'll start sharing some of the lessons I learn at Jack Canfield Success Principles seminar. Don't miss it!

On Tuesday, I'll continue my report from the Jack Canfield Success Principles seminar based on what I learn on Monday.

Next Wednesday, I'll provide more insights from the Jack Canfield Success Principles seminar based on what I learn on Tuesday.

Please feel free to let me know what else you would like to learn, and I'll do my best to help in future blog entries. I plan to address the question of how to be an Amazon.com top reviewer with integrity in a future blog based on kev's comment on my earlier blog entry. I partially answered his questions in a comment that follows his comment to that entry on July 29.

If you are new to this blog, be sure to check out the updated table of contents entry that was posted earlier today on August 3. It will help you find earlier entries that may be of interest. I'll update this table of contents every week or so for your convenience.

Thanks so much for your support of this blog. I'm delighted that so many thousands of people have made this blog part of their regular reading habit!

If you like this blog, please let others know who might also enjoy it. Many thanks to Jusuf Hariman in Australia for alerting so many people today about the blog. If you are a friend of Jusuf's, welcome!

Thank you also to my many other friends, students and clients who are spreading the good word about this blog. If you are visiting today because one of them invited you, I'm delighted to meet you!

May God bless you.

Donald W. Mitchell, Your Dream Concierge

Copyright 2005 Donald W. Mitchell