Have Your Children Behave Better than a Billionaire's
Good morning, Live Better than a Billionaire-a-Holics!
Are you feeling motivated this morning? I certainly hope so. I know that I am!
Would you like your children to behave better?
Is there continuing conflict over some forms of juvenile behavior?
Are voices raised on a daily basis over less than optimal behavior?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, this blog post may provide some answers.
I feel particularly humbled by the task of addressing this subject. Being a parent is one of the most difficult roles that any of us play in life. And I've yet to meet anyone who is delighted with their own performance in this role. I've made my share of mistakes (and then some), but perhaps you can be informed by my mistakes.
Most people approach misbehavior from their children in one or more of the following ways:
- having clear rules and punishments for infractions of those rules
- warning children about the negative consequences of their misbehavior
- turning the misbehaving child over to the disciplinarian parent
- instructing nannies, baby sitters and other child care people on how to discipline the child
- keeping a close eye on each child to spot behavior that needs improving
- asking friends and neighbors to join a "child watch" effort so that misbehavior is reported home from wherever it occurs
In most cases, these efforts are informed and inspired by what worked well and what did not work well in the parents' own parents methods of improving behavior.
What those methods have in common is that they rely on a policing mentality. It's not much different than how we try to influence current and potential criminals. But we still have a lot of crime so there may be a missed opportunity to use other methods.
Having helped raise four children, it's clear to me that while some principles work well for almost any child . . . there's also a wisdom in adjusting parenting to reflect the child's needs.
I don't want to embarrass my children by using them as case histories, so I will draw on lessons I've learned from observing other parents and their children.
1. If you can explain clearly why certain behavior is good for the child while other behavior is not, many children will choose to adapt their behavior to the good.
Children are smarter than we give them credit for. They mainly lack experience. By explaining to them the implications of good and bad behavior, you can allow them to use judgment to substitute for experience. Behavior improves more rapidly when you do.
Explanations are also bonding experiences. Children like explanations much better than warnings and punishments. You will have more fun as a parent if you explain things rather than demand.
2. Be a model for the behavior you would like to have.
It's asking too much to expect children to do things that you aren't able to do yourself. For instance, if you want rooms to be kept neat and clean, you had better do that in the kitchen and your own family room.
3. Keep your children away from children who misbehave.
This recommendation will be controversial. Children learn a lot from all kinds of experiences. Unfortunately, they also can learn bad habits from children who have bad habits. Seeing the other child misbehave will set up a greater interest in misbehaving than would have occurred to your child.
If you agree with this idea, be prepared to ask for school placements, school seating and activity involvements that place your child with well behaved children.
4. Investigate the causes of repeated misbehavior.
A child who continually has a problem with behavior is often demonstrating a symptom of some more significant cause. Take the time to find out what that cause might be and address the cause.
A classic example is the child who misbehaves to get more parental attention. That can happen in a family where each child sees parents very little . . . and seldom one-on-one.
Be open to taking your child to a psychologist as part of investigating the causes. Check out with physicians and teachers as well.
5. Make the "rules" consistent.
If your idea of good behavior is different from what your child runs into at school, at church or in youth groups, your child will have a more difficult time behaving. In particular, don't get into a habit of changing the rules all the time when the whim hits you. Your child will be quite frustrated and learn how to push the limits . . . realizing that they may well be rewarded.
6. Have discussions of the rules among family members.
We found family meetings were helpful. These meetings helped to explain what the rules were and why they were in place. By hearing out our children's reasons for wanting different rules, we were sometimes able to make minor adjustments that improved behavior a lot -- both because the children felt like the rules were more appropriate and because they had played a role in formulating those rules.
7. Praise good behavior often.
Your children like to be appreciated as much as you do. If you praise them for good behavior, they will seek more such praise.
8. For impulse control problems, shift the choices.
We are not all equally endowed with the ability to exercise self control. If you have a child like that, I suggest that you consider making punishments that escalate against the child's preferences. For instance, if your child loves video games, you might have a rule that the video games are put away for a week if biting occurs. But if your child bites a second time, you might extend that to 8 days ... and so on. Many parents report that the child "gets it" at some point when the punishment begins to extend towards infinity. And then the misbehavior ends.
9. Be just as loving with your children regardless of how they behave.
Children naturally want to please their parents. You can shake them pretty severely if you withdraw love when they misbehave. That undermines their confidence and your ability to influence them in the long run. For example, if they have been sent to their room for a "time out", you can still go up after awhile to play or read with them in their room.
10. Tell your children you love them as often as possible.
After all, as someone once said, "Love is all there is." Punishments can cause a child to be confused about whether they are loved or not. Having them feel loved is more important than slightly improving their punctuality or cleanliness.
11. Make the rules fit age wise.
As your children near adulthood, they need to take responsibility for themselves. That means you have to reduce the number of rules to reflect the mature behavior that you expect of them. By the time they are 18, your rules should be similar to what you expect of a guest. . . . And back off of the criticism too.
Please add your comments with ways that you've found to help with improving behavior. I'm sure that other readers will be interested. Thanks!
Can any billionaire do better? I doubt it.
Billionaires have other problems. They often don't raise their children . . . servants do. In that case, visiting Mom or Dad becomes like visiting Santa Claus. It's a state visit with the potential for gifts. Servants cannot be expected in inculcate good habits when the parents don't act like parents. It's no wonder that many of these children are packed off to tough boarding schools are young ages.
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N.B. As you can tell, I'm experimenting with color. Let me know what you like and what I should change about my use of color. Many thanks to Linda Grace for her suggestions which I am following!
Please let me know what else you would like to learn, and I'll do my best to help in future blog entries.
Here are some upcoming subjects:
Tomorrow, we'll look at how to provide your children with something interesting to learn when they are bored at school.
On Wednesday, you'll find out how to get the whole world working to help you better than a billionaire.
Thursday, we'll look at how to say it with pictures better than a billionaire.
On Friday, let's design a great second date!
Saturday, we will visit Dr. Masaru Emoto again to explore his ideas for using Hado water to improve your health and the quality of your life.
Sunday, let's sit quietly and think about how prayer can enrich your Sundays.
On Monday, join me in looking at how blog writing can enrich your life better than a billionaire.
Tuesday, we'll look at how to enjoy your next (or first) cruise more.
August 31 was the most frequently read blog entry to date. Be sure to check it out!
Thanks so much for your support of this blog. I'm delighted that so many tens of thousands of people have made this blog part of their regular reading habit!
If you like this blog, please let others know who might also enjoy it. E-mailing your favorite post to them is a great idea.
Check out the latest index at http://livebetterthanabillionaireon5dollars.blogspot.com/2005/10/latest-table-of-contents-to-this-blogs.html to pick out your choice.
Thank you to my many friends, students, clients and blog readers who are spreading the good word about this blog.
If you are visiting today because someone invited you, I'm delighted to meet you! Let's stay in touch.
Remember to also visit
Live Spiritually Better than a Billionaire at http://livespirituallybetterthanabillionaire.blogspot.com/,
Be More Successful than a Billionaire at http://bemoresuccessfulthanabillionaire.blogspot.com/,
Enjoy Mansions Better than a Billionaire at http://enjoymansionsbetterthanabillionaire.blogspot.com/,
Enjoy Football Better than a Billionaire at http://enjoyfootballbetterthanabillionaire.blogspot.com/ and
Be a World Hero Better than a Billionaire at http://beaworldherobetterthanabillionaire.blogspot.com/.
I offer individual on-line tutorials and in-person seminars on living better than a billionaire on five dollars extra a day, creating 2,000 percent solutions (20 times the results with the same effort), developing more profitable business models and designing strategies that work regardless of the business environment. For information, contact me at ultimatecompetitiveadvantage@yahoo.com.
I am available to you as a speaker on these subjects. You can find my background at http://livebetterthanabillionaireon5dollars.blogspot.com/2005_08_30_livebetterthanabillionaireon5dollars_archive.html/.
May God bless you.
Donald W. Mitchell, Your Dream Concierge
Copyright 2005 Donald W. Mitchell
posted by Donald Mitchell @ 9:03 AM
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